Lots of people start by telling a close friend rather than a parent. 86% of LGB adults have come out to at least 1 close friend. [4] X Trustworthy Source Pew Research Center Nonpartisan thinktank conducting research and providing information on public opinion, demographic trends, and social trends Go to source Some people choose not to come out to certain people. Roughly 1 in 3 LGB adults have not yet come out to their parents. Research will often say the average age to come out is around 20 years old, but that’s mostly for Millennials and older generations. [5] X Trustworthy Source Pew Research Center Nonpartisan thinktank conducting research and providing information on public opinion, demographic trends, and social trends Go to source Generation-Z teens have started coming out younger as society has become more accepting. [6] X Research source
People come out for the first time at all ages. Some people might come out at age 14 while others might not come out until age 64. For instance, you could come out to your friends in high school, but wait to tell your family if the timing doesn’t feel right. You could also choose to tell your family but hold off on telling your broader social circles about your identity if you don’t feel comfortable yet. Ultimately, you have control over your story and your journey. We’ll walk you through key things to consider as you start planning how to come out on your own terms.
You’ll know it’s the right time to come out if it feels like you are making the choice for yourself and your own happiness. [10] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source Studies show that hiding a big part of yourself like your sexual orientation or gender identity can take a toll on your mental health. [11] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
Support from other people (whether they’re a part of the LGBTQ+ community or not) can play a huge role in boosting your well-being. [13] X Research source If you don’t feel like you have a strong support system or sense of community, check out the resources at the bottom of this article.
If you do choose to come out, make sure that your choice won’t negatively affect your partner if they’re still in the closet. [16] X Research source
Is there a shelter or an LGBTQ-friendly program nearby if you’re worried about getting kicked out? Does your school have supportive counselors and/or an LGBTQ+ organization or club? Will your workplace support you if you come out?
“Hey, did you hear about the former NFL player who just came out?” “I heard in some places florists are refusing to work for gay weddings. Do you think that’s right?” “What do you think about companies getting involved in Pride Month?” “Someone at school came out as non-binary and now people are talking about adding a gender-neutral bathroom. What do you think they should do?”
On average, LGBTQ+ people report that they “knew” about their identity by age 17, but everyone figures it out at a different time. [27] X Trustworthy Source Pew Research Center Nonpartisan thinktank conducting research and providing information on public opinion, demographic trends, and social trends Go to source 8% of LGBTQ+ people report that they didn’t figure out their sexual orientation or gender identity until their 30s or older, and 6% say they still aren’t sure! Prejudice and negative feelings in society can affect how you feel about LGBTQ+ identities and make it tough for some people to accept themselves. [28] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
Life after coming out might still have its ups and downs and messy moments. But your future is bright, and coming out can bring you closer to living life as the most authentic version of yourself.
About 30-40% of queer adults also report that their relationships didn’t change at all. Fewer queer adults report that their relationships with family suffered after coming out.
Remember you needed time to figure out who you were, and you’ve probably been thinking about coming out for years. In contrast, hearing about your identity might be totally new to the other person, and that info might rub up against beliefs they’ve held for a long time. [33] X Research source 6 in 10 parents in the U. S. say that learning their child is gay wouldn’t upset them. [34] X Trustworthy Source Pew Research Center Nonpartisan thinktank conducting research and providing information on public opinion, demographic trends, and social trends Go to source If someone gets upset when you come out, you can say, “I know you’re worried, but I still love you and I’m the same person you’ve always known. ”[35] X Research source You can also set a boundary and leave the conversation by saying, “I need to take a break from this conversation, but we can come back to it later. ”
People might ask you things like, “How long have you known?” or “Why didn’t you tell us before?” or “How do you know? Are you sure?” You can prepare to say things like, “There are resources for parents that can tell you a lot more than I can. Let me show you. ” Then, you can show them the resources at the bottom of this page. [38] X Research source If people have questions you can’t answer, it’s also totally okay to say, “I don’t have all the answers. ”[39] X Research source
