For example, if you get some negative feedback from your supervisor, your first reaction might be to dismiss them or tell them why they’re wrong. To avoid getting defensive in situations like that, listen to what the person is saying before coming up with a response. After they’re done speaking, take a moment to pause and reflect. [4] X Research source If you’re not sure what to say in response, you might try, “I hear you” or “Thank you for that feedback. " Even if you’re not sure how you feel, responding like this in the moment defuses the situation and helps you avoid seeming defensive.
Perhaps you were bullied a lot growing up. As an adult, you might use defensiveness as a coping mechanism to feel more powerful. To counteract this, try building up your view of yourself so that you don’t take others’ comments so personally. [7] X Expert Source Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETSClinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 3 February 2022. You might try repeating words of affirmation anytime you’re feeling low, like, “I am strong and confident” and “I love myself. "
Overcoming social anxiety is totally possible. In moments that make you especially nervous, try taking deep breaths and replacing any negative thoughts you might have with positive thoughts. For example, if you’re at a party and people are laughing about something, avoid automatically assuming that people are laughing at you. Instead, think, “They’re probably laughing about an inside joke. "
Thankfully, you can also unlearn defensiveness. Anytime you start feeling defensive, take a moment to breathe and reflect on what just happened. [10] X Expert Source Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETSClinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 3 February 2022. Ask yourself if the person really criticized you or if you might be reading into what they said from a negative perspective. [11] X Research source
Let’s say your sister just said that you never remember to do the dishes, but you just did the dishes 2 days ago. Before lashing out, take a moment to consider her words and formulate a considerate response. You might say, “I’m sorry that you’re frustrated with me. I did the dishes a few days ago, but I could definitely improve. I’ll make sure to help out with the dishes more often. "
Maybe you’ve noticed a friend of yours frequently borrows money from you and never pays you back. Instead of lashing out or being passive-aggressive (i. e. rolling your eyes but letting her borrow the money), set a boundary. Try, “I’d love to help, but I’d feel more comfortable loaning you money if you paid me back the money you owe me first. I hope you understand where I’m coming from. "
Maybe you accidentally bumped another car’s bumper last time you parallel parked. If a friend says something like, “I can drive,” you might immediately jump to thinking that it’s because she thinks you’re a bad driver. To avoid this reaction, reflect on what happened and make a change going forward. Practice parking in your neighborhood, remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes, and forgive yourself.
Let’s say that you forgot to include an important detail in a work assignment. When your boss confronts you about it, you might be tempted to say something like, “Well, Lisa didn’t tell me I was supposed to do that!” To take accountability, pause for a moment before responding and remind yourself that it’s much better to just admit the mistake. Say something like, “You’re totally right. I’ll go back and include that detail in the next draft. "
Maybe you told your partner that you went out for lunch, but neglected to say that you got lunch with an ex. If your partner asks about it, you might say something like, “Why do you care?” or “I don’t see why it matters. " Instead of lying, try being honest. Say something like, “I met up with my ex-boyfriend Timothy. We’ve always remained friends, but I was nervous to tell you because I wasn’t sure how you would feel about it. "
If you experienced abuse or mistreatment growing up, you might consider working with a mental health professional to reflect on your experiences and learn some coping strategies. To find a mental health professional in your area, get a referral from your doctor or look online.
Symptoms of Paranoid Personality Disorder include feeling like you can’t trust anyone, fear of opening up to other people, holding grudges, and interpreting neutral statements as attacks. Some common attributes of Avoidant Personality Disorder include low self-esteem, constant fear of judgment or mistreatment, and avoidance of social interactions in an effort to protect oneself. A person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder might experience feelings of superiority, an inability to admit any wrongdoings, and extremely low self-esteem upon making a mistake. [21] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world’s leading hospitals Go to source If you think you may struggle with a personality disorder like this, talk to a mental health professional. They can give you the tools you need to cope and succeed without getting defensive.
